entry 20: Anguish

It was not an unusual morning. The sun had risen, the light shone in through the window, the sound of cars entered through my window. Although the morning had started the same way as it always has, soon after I woke I noticed something peculiar. There was a hole in my chest. I was not sure how long the hole had been there, but this morning there was something more defined about it. I went to the mirror and started to closely look at myself but there was nothing unusual about my reflection. This hole was my heart.

I know that this blog has been used to record my experience in Korea and for me to talk about something serious seems somewhat out of place, so for those of you who are simply looking for a light hearted read, I am sorry to disappoint but this is not one of those posts. Let me try to entice your reading appetite by telling you that this post will tell you the truth about my experience in Korea, especially the truth about areas that I have left out. Please remember that I woke up this morning with a hole in my chest, that still has yet to be filled.

For those of you who already know me and have seen me outside of the context of Korea, you know that I thoroughly enjoy being in company of people. I don't mind being the center of attention and I am not afraid to speak my mind and I am not afraid to be outgoing. I am an extrovert who loves to have people around. I found so much joy in having people coming over to my apartment and having people just relax and slowly peel off the stress that had accumulated from the late nights of studying. I love people, I love making people laugh, I love fellowship. I think this love for fellowship has fueled my heart for ministry and really has fueled my desire to follow God. Fellowship had defined a large part of why I have been going to church, maybe even more than for the love of God. This is where the hole in my chest started to grow the most rapidly.

I knew beforehand that it was going to be lonely here in Korea. People had asked me if I was going to be alright being by myself in a foreign country, and I had unknowingly just responded with the answer that had sounded right "I'll have lots of time to be alone with God". The magnitude of those words never really meant anything as they left my lips. I had not understood what it really meant to be alone, and I had completely no idea what it meant to be completely alone with God. I always had the ability to be a phone call away from someone to physically be with if I had the urge to pray or just to talk about spiritual matters. There had not been such a thing as alone in my life, until now. It is the solitude that has made me see the emptiness in my heart.

I was talking to a friend this morning and she told me that I sounded as if something was wrong. I explained to her that there was something wrong, but that I didn't know the word that could describe what I was feeling. I instead rearranged the furniture in my room, cleaned, and found other ways to waste time to avoid my mind from dealing with what was wrong with me. I didn't realize how much being in solitude had been affecting me. It had been noticeable, it was seeping through the walls of normalcy that I had put up as a facade. I told my friend that it must be simply the fact that I am homesick, I am desiring the presence of other people and I just don't really understand what is going on with me, but something definitely was not going the way it was supposed to. I told her that I was going to deactivate facebook for a week, to maybe see if that was the reason why I was feeling so utterly miserable, seeing the pictures of people doing fun stuff with each other. experiencing the fellowship at football games and church lock ins. Although it was a good idea, it didn't work out for too long. As most of you can see, facebook has been reactivated.

Before I go any further (and this part may be a bit confusing), but the solitude that I am speaking of is a much more internal solitude. I have been able to meet with friends and I even had the opportunity to see my dad here in Korea, but the loneliness that I am experiencing is similar to that of being homesick. I miss my comfort zone. I miss being with the people that I am most comfortable with, but I am starting to see why God has uprooted me and placed me in Korea. He had to deal with the decay in my chest that has been growing for years now. I would not have noticed this decay, this lack of love for my Father, unless I was here, alone.

I came home from school, opened up my (recently reactivated) facebook, and noticed a video posted by my friend Jason, who is also here in Korea. The title "a Call to Anguish". I started to watch the video, and throughout the entire video I felt a pressure in my chest as if to exemplify the hole within. Please watch this video, and then I will continue. I hope that it impacts you as it has impacted me.





The point that I got out of this message, and I'm sure that you might have gotten a different point out of it is.

"All true passion is born out of anguish." "True joy comes out of anguish"

That is how I feel. I feel anguish in my heart. It sounds like a very dramatic and drawn out word, but that is the emptiness that I feel in my heart. For years now, the devil has been trying to suck the life out of me, trying to take the passion away from me, by focusing me on fellowship with people (which sounds great) rather than fellowship with God (which is obviously much more important). He has tried to make me timid about things that God has made me to be bold about. I have been taking things of this world and mixing it with my passion for God therefore tainting my faith. I knew that something was wrong with my quote-unquote faith, so I desired for God to break me, for God to restore me, and make me stronger. I know that He is faithful, and I know that if I follow him that He will change this decrepit heart. I am resolved that I will no longer try to dampen the anguish within my heart with the things of this world, with social gatherings, with facebook, with movies, with whatever the world has to offer. I am resolved that I will take this anguish to the cross and pray. Pray that God will revive me and produce in me a passion that no force can falter.

I have been too comfortable, I have been living too easy of a life that I have forgotten what it means to be truly saved. I have forgotten what it means to follow God. I have forgotten what it means to be bold about a faith that is a part of who I am.

I am in anguish over the sin that has become so prevalent in my life. An idolatry of fellowship and of comfort. The sin of feeding the desires of my body, rather than following the wisdom of God. Please pray that through the blood of Jesus and the guidance of the holy spirit, that this anguish would soon be turned into passion and joy.

This is the reason why I am in Korea. I am here how to learn how to love God in an uncomfortable environment that Satan is trying to use to lead me to destruction.

The more I think about it, the more thankful I am that I am feeling this anguish, because is it possible to find repentance from Christ if you do not feel anguish over your sin? I have been lukewarm and have only expressed a highly diluted faith, and with that I go to the cross.

This is so strange, to be alone and feel this. Not at a church retreat, not at some revival, but in the quiet of my apartment. Wish me luck.